This is for my English followers, my English friends and family so that you will see what sort of things I’m writing about in my blog. I ultimately want to reach more people because I believe I have something valuable to say, I guess all bloggers believe that, otherwise; why write a blog? I write as a therapist that want to give people ideas on how to achieve more happiness, to give people a sense of “that must mean I’m normal then” or just to give them something to think about, to reflect over. This time I want to say something about the desire to be something else, a better version of one self, which seems like an apt topic in the days of New Year’s resolutions.

All people that come to me wanting therapy want change. As a therapist one of my core beliefs is that “when you accept what is, what is changes”. When you stop trying to be something you’re not, stop pretending and stop wishing for something better that is actually when real change is possible. The great quest for something bigger and better and to strive for a better version of ourselves is in all of us, some more than others. At the root of it is; we want happiness, we want to be happy with ourselves and we want to be happy in our life.

It becomes more apparent in the beginning of a new year, the gyms fill up, people are dieting and starting up new courses and thinking “this will be the year, this time I´ll make it happen” It’s not like I’m saying I don’t believe in the ability for people to change, what sort of a therapist would I be then? All I’m saying is that I think people are going about it the wrong way.

So what does it mean then, to accept what is?

All humans are put together by strengths and weaknesses. We all have a “history” and we all have different ways of protecting ourselves and adapting to the world around us. We are all pretty much doing the best we can with what we have been given.

In gestalt theory the different ways of adapting and surviving are defense mechanisms.

Let me give you an example; let’s say that at one point in your life maybe it was necessary to close off your emotions a little bit, because the people around you did not do a great job at protecting you from their own problems and it all got to be a bit much for you. You learned the ability to “close off” and not get so upset over it all. A wonderful way of protecting yourselves that makes you survive and move on from it.

But years later, as an adult let’s say, it no longer serves you right. It’s no longer necessary to always “close off” your emotions, and in fact it gets in your way a bit. Your partner may accuse you of not caring enough, being cold, or not showing enough emotions.

Maybe it’s time do it a bit differently. Not to change and be something else, but to accept that that’s what you do sometimes. To see the positive things about having the ability to do that, to see what situations that might be useful and in what situations that might be less useful. This will bring on an increased feeling of control, and then give you more choices. Choice and control over your own actions and reactions brings on the ability to change.

We need to learn to appreciate and accept all the different sides to our personality and the circumstances we are in because it is all a result of the choices we have made along the way. It is part of your history, good or bad, it’s you. That’s when real change is possible.

“The more you try and be something you’re not, the more you remain the same” (Beisser, 1970).

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